Eriq’s Blag

Mission failure. Yesterday my parents went to a flea market and saw a Russian fur hat complete with hammer and sickle insignia. I wanted it. However, I was not with them. My mom said that if I wanted to get there before the crowds did, I should get up early. I got u earlier and then we went to a different flea market…and got bagels. Then around one we actually headed for the flea market I thought we were going to. When we got there there were barely any stalls and no sign of Russian hats. We asked a man selling other types of hats and he said that there was a Russian man who had a shop on a dead end down the road, past a crossroad. We looked and looked, but missed the crossroad. On the way back we asked an antique dealer. Apparently the Russian man killed himself three or so weeks ago, but someone else had taken over his lot which is only available on Saturday when the full market is. I returned home hatless and defeated. I want that hat.

I had yet another one of those days where I didn’t really do anything. I still don’t have a clue what the fuck I’m doing; period. The internet is still wonky and we don’t have a desk or printer, but my dad’s colleague did print out that application for me which I promptly didn’t fill out. Now I need to go to sleep because I need to get up early tomorrow morning to procure for myself a Russian hat. The fur kind. The kind with the hammer and sickle. Yes, that kind. Fuck yes.

Almost a week here and I still haven’t done much. Went shopping for food again today, but mostly swore at the router which has apparently decided it’s going to fuck off whenever it wants. There’s another one here, but I can’t test it until I get the password for the DSL. A new wireless DSL modem/router would cost forty-five pounds (seventy-five dollars). I managed to eat an entire box of Cadbury’s Fingers in pretty much one sitting. I’m going to get fatter this year, but maybe it’ll help when winter hits. A tech company that my dad recommended me to sent me an application for an internship, but the PDF wasn’t a form you could fill out on the computer and send back, not exactly promising. We also don’t have a printer so I can’t print it out and send it. My dad says he plans to buy a printer tomorrow. We’ll see.

My alarm didn’t work and I got pissed at my dad for waking me up. I promptly fell back asleep. My mom woke me up again at three to yell at me for not changing my sleeping habits. I took a shower and when I came back found my window and window shade open. She did this back home too, I fucking hate it. I grunted and attempted to close them. I couldn’t unwind the shade cord due to my anger and shouted at it. My mom came in and I got pissed at her. We got mad at each other and I told her to get out and she said that if I was going to sleep in late and be grumpy that she would find somewhere for me back in the States. She then left and lashed out at my dad, asking why I had even come if I didn’t want to be here, as if I couldn’t hear through the walls without trying. I then had a mental breakdown standing in my towel trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing here and with my life in general. I didn’t come to any conclusions. I eventually calmed down somewhat and got dressed as it was six and we were going to see a play at eight. I was still pissed. The play was a farce by Hitchcock of a spy novel (something like that). Performed by only four actors it was centered around that “for another character to come on, one must go off” style of comedy. It was very funny. When we got home I started to watch Alien, but it wasn’t really the kind of SciFi that I like, not that I was scared of it, it just wasn’t techie enough or actiony or westerny. Then I played some TFTwo with Trung.

I meant to wake up at ten in the morning. I woke up at seven. I went to bed  at two. After finally figuring out where to put my laptop so as to not burn/melt/crack anything I played TFTwo for about an hour completing an entire game (getting two hundred and eighty nine points) without the internet cutting out. Although my ping was at a near constant one eighty to one ninety, it played smoothly. I’ve now determined that the router resets whenever a computer connects…or when it feels like it. I had planned on going out, but I had no money and by the time I was done with the game, my mother had fallen asleep. When she did wake up I helped her with her laptop and we eventually went shopping. The city does not smell very nice. I took some pictures on our journey to Marks and Spencer. The first thing I wanted a shot of is what is called the gurken, a large, pickle-shaped office building:

Giant Pickle

We walked through the place where (according to my mother) the Diagon Alley scenes of Harry Potter were filmed. I couldn’t give a shit, but I figured Emma would be mad if I didn’t take any pictures:

This is for you, Emma.

When we got to Marks and Spencer I found this:

Might have to get this for my birthday.

Then there was Lloyd’s Tower which looks like something from a dystopian mining facility, but whose picture is currently sideways. When we got home I fiddled around on the computer for a while and then Princess Mononoke was on and having never seen it I felt I should watch it. I did. It was of course very good and trippy. Then I fiddled on the computer some more. We’ll see how sleeping goes tonight.

I stayed up till four last night and then slept for twelves hours. At least it’s not like vacation where if you sleep all day you lose a day of doing things. I sill have six months in which to explore England. Our landlord came over and he attempted to fix the internet situation. I surprised to find that he actually knew what he was doing (he had putty running on his Nokia phone). He fixed a few things like the router only giving out two IPs and it giving the wrong DNS server IP. My tablet still insists on using the first IP address that the router gives out even if it was given to another computer. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to figure out why the internet cuts out randomly. It looks like it might be on the ISPs side. I hope that it doesn’t stop me from playing TFTwo.

It was hot and sunny today. This fact disappointed me. We had lunch with my dad’s cousins, their children, and their parents. They belong to one of those country clubs. My parents got somewhat dressed up, but told me that jeans and a t-shirt were fine. Turns out it wasn’t the kind where they turn you away or give you dirty looks if you don’t look the part. My second cousin is sixteen, but is now taller than me. For dessert I had a Mars Bar ice cream bar, this requires further examination. After lunch we went for a walk around the club. In the process I realized I had lost my day pass for the train. When we got back the the clubhouse I found it where it had fallen out of my pocket when I had taken my tablet out. I promptly lost it again in the same manner, only realizing half-way back to the tube station. Next we visited my Father’s colleague whose family we are friends with. On the way we found a grounded adapter for my laptop (using it now). That was rather uneventful. By this point I was over the heat/sunny weather. On the way home we went through Brick Lane and had dinner at a Bangladeshi restaurant. Just about every restaurant was Bangladeshi and just about every one was completely empty. After we got home I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how to fix the wireless. I thought that I needed to turn the modem/router into a gateway so that the wireless router would give out IP’s. I took a break while my mom checked her email (this was on my dad’s netbook) and plugged in my laptop and hooked it up to the HDTV. I tested Farscape and Batman:TAS. Despite the fact they are very low resolution they both looked just fine which is sweet. I then spent another few hours trying to get the wireless to work only to realize there was nothing I could do and that, in fact, it did work, but it was very flaky/finicky. Then I played some TFTwo. My laptop can play it at ten-eighty on full settings, but sitting on the couch, I can’t actually see anything. The lag wasn’t too bad, but because of the flaky internet, it looks like I might have to deal  with frequent random disconnects. Seeing as it’s three thirty in the morning, I should probably go to bed.

I haven’t posted in a while. I got bored and didn’t have much to say. This summer has been pretty dull to boot, but I am at a new point in my li-oh, who the fuck an I kidding? It’s going to be the same shit I’ve been doing for the past four or five years, but in a different location.

I didn’t apply to college. Yeah, probably a mistake as I also didn’t find anything productive to do in my year off. Instead, I’m moving with my parents to England for seven months. In retrospect this is possibly the worst thing I could do without trying very hard (I could probably fuck up more if I actually put some effort into it). Seven months, in a small flat, in London. Oh sure, it’s London, the once center of the verse, but I’m also spending with my parents and I haven’t changed at all. I generally don’t make friends unless they’re people that I see every day for something like school. I can’t go up to someone and say “hey, you want to go mock people because they’re stupid?” Other people can do that, but unless I know the person, I’m generally shy. I guess I have very low confidence.

I know I have very low drive. I have no purpose, no idea what I want to do in life. I’ve grown so cynical that I have trouble enjoying life. If I’m not distracted by something I become depressed, because I feel like I’m wasting time. I blame that on school; there’s always something that you have to do. Vacation? Sweet right? Fuck no, you get reports projects, all at the same time as if every teacher assumes that you’ll have nothing to do over a break. I don’t but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it doing school work. The problem with this cynicism is that the only purpose to life I can see is further the human race and seeing as I’ve had zero luck in that area, what else is left for me. I know it’s mean to my friends, but sometimes I feel like I have nothing, that I need something more. I keep hoping that something will come along and change my life, give me direction something to live for.

My little projects help, but they only last so long. I eventually run up against a wall that I can’t overcome either because I just lose interest or I have so many things that I want to implement I end up bogging it down and it becomes unusable or I’m just not capable of doing what I want, I don’t have the skill or the knowledge necessary. When my ideas work I’m overjoyed; I actually get giddy, but just the opposite when they fail. That project was all I had at the time and now that it’s done or failed I have nothing. I try to come up with something else to work on, but nothing seems plausible or it just doesn’t interest me. What do I do then?

I wholeheartedly believe that ignorance is bliss, maybe that’s not true and of course this is me believing I know something others don’t. The religious believe in an afterlife, I don’t. By some huge cosmic coincidence you live (maybe there’s something out there, but all sources point to no) and then you die. You cease to exist. You are nothing. Most people who practice religion must know in the back of their minds that this really is it. Why else would they be afraid of death? Why are we afraid of death at all? Am I? I don’t think so, only a painful death, but not the aftermath. As I see it there is nothing and that’s what scares people because it’s impossible to wrap your mind around the idea of not existing. How can you imagine non-existence. Try and think about it, when I do I have those “who the fuck am I?” moments. Similar to “what the fuck do these sounds have to do with their meaning” moments.

So what do I do? I don’t want to go to college. I can’t get a girl. My ideas are transient. Oh and to top it off, I’m paranoid. Not aliens and the government and tinfoil hats, but I can’t shake the feeling that my friends have problems with me, but choose not to tell me and instead talk about it when I’m not there…oh wait. Not all of them. Some of them I know honestly love me even if it would be “gay” for them to say it. And then there are those who I know are my friends, but i can’t tell if they’re telling the truth or are trying to not hurt my feelings. I can’t tell if it really is them or if it’s me. It eats at me. When I get nervous I pick my nails. Or if I think too much.

That’s another problem I have. Sometimes I just can’t stop. All kinds of stuff going through my head. Math, people, quotes, “that would be a cool picture”, “what if I tried using that equation?” Maybe I have mild aspergers. Sometimes I talk too much, but I don’t think that it. I just have trouble condensing stories, because I feel that every detail is important. Isn’t that how you’re supposed to tell them? It just ends up boring people (xkcd). This wasn’t even going to be this long, but then I started writing what came to mind.

I haven’t done anything amazing. I’m not really good at anything. I’m just good at a lot of things, most of which are useless. I played Ultimate for four years I stopped getting better after three I was ok and knew what I was doing, but I wasn’t a star. Not that I tried that hard.

I guess I haven’t tried very hard at a lot of things. I didn’t try to get interested in college. I don’t try to read books. I haven’t tried hard to meet someone.

As I said, I’m not the kind of person that can just go up and start talking to someone. The idea of trying to hook up with someone that you don’t know at all, but that you are physically attracted to seems wrong to me. Which I figure is my problem. I always try to become friends with girls that I’m interested in before trying to make a move. And who am I kidding, I don’t make moves. I just sit there, pining, forever. And then when I do move, it’s just weird. I don’t know if it’s the way I go about it or if it’s that I’m just not attractive mentally of physically. The last girl that said she liked me was someone that I had never met in person. It wasn’t a completely random creepy meeting on some forum thing, her sister is my friend. When we finally met, she decided that there wasn’t a place in her life for me. She claimed that school had suddenly picked up and that what with school, family, horseback riding, friends, lacrosse she just didn’t have the time I deserved. Somehow, I never fully accepted that. Then there was the girl that I like on an off for two and a half years. Yeah, I fucked that up too. Three times. Not so much fuck ups, just nothing.

I haven’t had a regular sleep cycle in five or six years, maybe longer. Pictures that my mom dug up show me around twelve with dark circles. They became a permanent facial feature. I don’t think that they’re leaving any time soon if at all. I think I have insomnia, maybe mild. First I don’t want to sleep, back to that needing to do something with my time or else it’s wasted. And then, there’s the knowing that once I get in bed, I won’t be able to fall asleep for at least an hour unless I’m utterly and completely exhausted. Sometimes not even then. I can easily fall asleep working on homework, my body uses it as a form of self defense, but once I actually get in bed, I’m wide awake. My mind fills with thoughts that I can’t make go away. Sometimes trying to daydream works, but it’s become harder and harder to do so on commands. These days I wake up dehydrated with a headache and bloodshot eyes. Doesn’t really help attract the opposite sex.

Not that I even meet girls. I spend all my time in my room. I would have friends if it weren’t for school. The only other place that I know people from is JRTechie and I stopped going there a long time ago. It doesn’t even exist anymore. I started this blog back when I was working there the first time. And now everyone is leaving. We’ll keep in contact over Facebook, but it won’t be the same and we’ll slowly drift apart until we don’t talk to each other.

So what do I do? I go to England. What do I do there? I don’t know. Tourist activities? I hate tourists and I hate the idea of being one. I want to go back to Lewes, I want to go to Ireland, I want to try and find my friends from seventh year. The girl that I had a mutual crush on, but nothing ever happened, because I was in sixth grade, what the fuck can you do. I got a laptop so that I can keep playing TF2 with Trung and Ravic. I’m not sure what else…

From the first day there to sometime in March I’ll be writing.

Are you happy now? I know I’m not.